Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
