It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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