Nicole vs. Life
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
