At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
