I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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