Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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