Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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