I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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