it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
