Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
