we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
