Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
