Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
