i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
