he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Every concussion has its silver lining
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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