I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
