Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
