I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize