Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
