Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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