Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
