I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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