There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
