my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
