Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
