I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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