I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
