ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
