Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
