How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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