tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize