You just made me feel so damn special
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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