No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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