Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
