I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
It's never too late to be topless.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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