I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
