Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Jerry, you need to find god
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
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