Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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