1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
