so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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