Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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