I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
ttyl tear gas
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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