first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
