We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
someone owes me an orgasm
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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