Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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