It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
