I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
