If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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