I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I want a musical about memes.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
