After last night, I could never be a politician.
oh god the rape fog is back!
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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