The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
