who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
