He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
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