I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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