Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
