My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
