i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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