Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
