I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I deserve to be covered in dicks
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
