____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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