You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
